Something has been playing over and over and over again in my head. I couldn't figure it out, I've been trying to let it go, but it was stuck on repeat.
I told myself I wasn't going to practice yoga today. I would free myself from guilt, obligation, from the push, push, push that I put on myself. As I walked to class the tears came.
I put down my mat and let go. Not in defeat or resignation, but more out of fatigue. Tired of the volley of my mind and emotions between what I want, need, should, or should not.
I got through class. Felt better in my body than I expected, felt the love and energy of the room. But I also felt anger. I felt a competitive force, a will working against something, or maybe towards something.
When it came time to stop, to breathe, to get quiet and focus on nothing but self, it all came bubbling up. I couldn't breathe. The tears flowed. I sat upright and held onto my thighs, my hips, held my hands in a mudra like a vessel in my lap and breathed deep. I just tried to hold space and support for myself and for whatever was happening in that moment. As everyone else moved into savasana, I stayed upright, not wanting to feel any more vulnerable. I found peace and stillness and closed class with a few extra prayers.
After class a perfect summer rain was falling and I stood there, looking up, letting it fall on and around me. Cleansing, nourishing, free, playful. Forgiving.
I then realized why this scenario continued to play itself out. There was something I needed to see, to feel, to forgive.
When I first met my partner, nearly 6 years ago, my behavior was labeled, by his sister, as "a red flag". I always laughed this off, agreed with it, and wore it, like a scarlett letter. It is how I placed myself next to him and in his family. I didn't realize this until just now. I didn't realize how much that statement colored me, and hurt me. I don't attach blame or resentment to it. I just feel it. Love it. Lean into it. Learn from it. Be aware of where and how this shows up in my life.
Last week, I acted out, towards someone I have really enjoyed spending time with and getting to know. And I used that phrase. This is the scene that has been playing over and over and over again in my mind. I knew I needed to take action, I needed to be heard, and I needed to be a part of the conversation. I learned in my (previous) relationship, and in the ending of said relationship, that being heard, being a part of the conversation, being a part of decision making is crucial. And for this reason, I acted out. And I used that phrase.
Today, it came full circle. I can see the big picture now. I can see the wound of being called "a red flag". I can see how that made me feel so early on, and for so, so long. For nearly 6 years, it was funny - a way of labeling my "free spirit", an error in my actions. Further evidence to my flawed self, to my belief of being unwanted, of being an obligation or a burden.
I know on the surface none of this is true. I know how amazing, special, valuable, and rare I am. But that doesn't mean the fissures don't exist at our core. I think it simply means we visit them from time to time, admire them from afar, and walk away when they no longer serve us.
I've been living moment to moment. Not coaching, not being coached, not even writing, or reading. Just being. And playing. And keeping as busy and as distracted as possible. I'm tired of grieving. I'm tired of being angry. Of being sad. Of wondering what the fuck I've done. Of forgiving him, forgiving us, forgiving myself. I'm tired of pushing. And of being pulled.
So for now, I'm going to going to keep going. I'm going to cry when I need to cry. I'm going to laugh and dance and drink and eat and run. I'm going to keep saying "yes" to everything and everyone that comes my way.
And I'm going to be brave. I'm going trust myself. And love myself. And try and let more and more of it go. Destroy to create. Make space for the good. All of that.
I've never experienced anything like this. And just when I think that it is all ok, that all is fine and settled, something new rears its ugly head. More soul purging.
I am not a red flag. My thoughts, feelings, and actions, are not red flags. For now, that is where I am. And I won't judge myself, or pressure myself to be any further.
I encourage you to listen. To hold space for yourself. And to seek stillness and support within, so that you too can ride the waves with gratitude and understanding, and most of all, compassion.