An exercise on clarity and commitment. And ways to make sure you stay close to your biggest wants, wishes, and dreams. Because that stuff matters.
It has been a roller coaster evening. After posting today's video on Thirty is real I went out for a run. I thought I would give a newly discovered trail a second chance. And I was so happy I did. I was feeling frustrated that I didn't get out and take advantage of the sunshine and blue skies. I was frustrated that I was getting out just before dusk. But, I accepted that I had other tasks that kept me busy during the day, and I felt good enough that I was getting out at all.
And per usual, I wasn't disappointed. I found a bend in the path that I missed last week. I was able to run along the coast with the most amazing views of the surrounding city, the mountains, and the sunset. I stopped more than once to take it all in. And once again, I was reminded to trust. To let go and let it happen. To accept the timing of life, to have compassion, and to take action. I think this is the cycle to live by. At least for me, right now. Accept, compassion, action. Rinse and repeat.
Tonight's run felt right. It felt good to be where I was in that moment. I have had a lot of feelings, thoughts, and emotions in the 10 days since arriving in Victoria. Homesickness, doubt, fear, excitement, hope... But there was something deeper I hit on tonight. I think it was that feeling in the top of the gut, that feeling of "home". It is the feeling my partner provided. It is the kind of feeling your best friend gives when you hear their voice, or when you step into your grandparents house, or when you hear a certain verse in a certain song. As I ran around this path tonight, I couldn't help but feel like I had been here before, seen this landscape before. The Pacific Northwest has been calling to me for a few years now. I have dreamed of Seattle, Portland, being among the trees, mountains, and ocean. Living in sweaters and mist and fog. I grew up in a coastal town in New England, so it makes sense I suppose. But that never felt like home. I always felt pulled away from where I grew up. It is familiar but free of baggage. It is new yet comfortable. It is grounding and expansive.
My short but powerful meeting with a tarot reader a month ago brought up two powerful and current issues for me - the idea of "needing to go" and "my thousand past lives" (specifically the weight of carrying them and how they make me feel "big"). Maybe my life is meant to fill up those lives. To allow each past part of my soul find their home, if only for a moment, or season. Maybe that is why I seek something I cannot articulate. Maybe it is why I am comfortable with the bigger unknown, and find so much joy in the journey and the process of exploration and learning.
I returned back to my current home, the apartment of a soul-mate I met while in Costa Rica one year ago. I felt ok. Tired, but ok. As I sat down to write this post, Google felt the need to remind me of where I was two years ago.
All of these images of smiles and love and celebration hit me. I couldn't help but look. And I cried. I sobbed. It took all of my energy not to email him. It took all of my energy to not share one picture in particular with the world. Misery loves company. I tried to stay grounded as the tears fell, as my chest heaved: "Why email him?". "What will it accomplish?" "How will it make you feel better?" "How will he respond?"And I knew the answers to those questions. And that hurt just as badly. So I closed the tab on my computer.
And if you are like me, and like so many of us, you then went straight for the kitchen. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel full. I wanted a distraction. I wanted comfort. Luckily, my roommate and I keep a clean kitchen. And I once again stopped myself. Acceptance, compassion, action. I closed the fridge and put on the kettle. I can find comfort in a cup of tea. I can feel full in other ways. I can separate myself from excuses.
And so here we are.
My to-do list is beside me, and I have cashews begging to be made into cheese...
One step forward, one step at a time.
May you bring acceptance, compassion, and action into your day.
And may you always find ways to feel right at home.
I decided to take the same route running this afternoon. I am seeking a routine as I settle into week one in my new home. I wanted to go just one minute longer, to see the view just beyond the perspective I gained yesterday. And of course, it was so worth it. I paused and let it take my breath for a moment (you can see a short video over on Instagram).
Most of us need to step out of our comfort zone in at least one way. Maybe it is committing to less, complaining less, or consuming less. Most of us also need to do more. Like more movement, more phone calls to grandparents, more compassion for ourselves and strangers.
I feel like life in the comfort zone is akin to the ostrich with its head in the sand. Sure, he is happy and safe and in familiar territory. But is he really? Or is he missing out on the big picture, on the potential of life? What does he risk not gaining by not challenging his surroundings, versus becoming one with them?
I suppose this piggybacks on yesterday's post about perspective. But the key for me is to challenge it all. To push yourself to a place where you can gain new insight into your current state of being. A place to check in. And honestly, to enjoy the instant gratification of pushing yourself to a new place, to seeing it all from a newer, bigger, and brighter vantage point.
I am excited to see where my run will take me tomorrow.
I went for my first run in over a week. My first run since arriving in Victoria. I ran without GPS, without music. I ran without worry for my breath, my posture, or my pace. I simply ran. And it felt really f'ing good. There was a heavy drizzle, gray skies, and scenery that is becoming familiar. Landmarks that are becoming beacons.
I thought of this process, of who I am, who I remain in this new environment. I think of my moments of fear earlier in the week and how I wanted to run once again. Did I leave in haste? Did I not properly prepare? Can I really make this work?
I have always liked to think that I am running towards something, and not away from something else. What is the difference? Perspective? Control? Comfort? Does it matter? Who are we answering to other than ourselves?
Is it better to run than be still? Is it better to take action versus risking stagnancy? Are we lying to ourselves or creating our reality? I am not sure if I know, and I am not sure if it truly matters.
All we have is our experience. All we have is the power over the choices we make in each moment. Those moments add up to create our life. So whether we are running from something or towards something is simply our perspective, it is simply our decision on how we interpret our environment. It is how we take back our power to react. It is what separates victims from victors. Creators from destroyers. From those who complain and take cover to those who step up and step out.
So for now, I will keep running. And how ever anyone else perceives that is up to them. All I have is me. All I can do is act in ways that fill me up, that reassure and reaffirm my choices. And live in the moments that allow me to inquire on my current state. I'd rather live in gross denial, in a heightened state of self. One that allows me to run towards something than from one. I'd rather live as someone whose lungs are bursting with drive and curiosity, whose eyes are wide with delight, and whose heart is willing to work a little bit harder to reach a new depth.
I love things that make the world brighter; mantras, a tasty meal, a great workout, serious self-love, dance music, a genuine hug, laughter and let's face it, tequila. May my journey exploring what makes me feel most fulfilled inspire you on yours.