I don't know why I want to do things for him. I don't know why I continue to reach out, continue to produce gestures that may have an effect. Since the day I moved out he hasn't reached out, he hasn't made any attempts or gestures toward me. No acts of affection or words that would make me believe he is missing me, or wanting me, or even thinking of me. So why am I still acting in such ways? Is it out of habit? Out of frustration? I genuinely miss him. But deep down I must know better. Am I a total glutton? When will I get it? When will I see how this doesn't serve. How many times does he have to tell me to stop before I do? Before I really accept this is how he wants it to lie - like it never existed. Can the doughnut just be a gift. Can it make him smile? That is my intention. But have I lost that privilege? Do I continue to just do as he says, not question or fight, but go along with what he wants and the decisions he makes? I can recognize this is how we learned to be, the habits and roles we created... But I know that wouldn't serve me or us (and therefore him) in the long term. The other option is to continue to act how I wish to and suffer the consequences. Torturing us both. 11 days to go. Leaving will hold a lot of answers and space for me. I'm ready.
I love things that make the world brighter; mantras, a tasty meal, a great workout, serious self-love, dance music, a genuine hug, laughter and let's face it, tequila. May my journey exploring what makes me feel most fulfilled inspire you on yours.